The Balanced Homemaker
Reprinted from The Spiritual Sword
David R. Pharr

It has become popular to speak of “twenty-four, seven” to describe the demands on a person’s time.  The busy lives of modern women (and men) must fit everything into the twenty-four hours of a seven-day week.  As we consider the many pursuits of the worthy woman of Proverbs, we realize that she was constrained to the same realities of time, and without our many timesaving modern gadgets.  Of course, everything named was not done every day or even every week.  Neither need we assume that this was an actual person.  All of her activities will not correspond to the situations of all women.  The point most to be appreciated, and which ought to be emulated, is that for success and excellence one must maintain a proper balance among the many demands of life.  Yes, indeed, “a woman that feareth the Lord” (v. 30) is one that has established priorities and lives a balanced life.

Becoming, Yet Modest

Isaiah gave a scathing denunciation of the “daughters of Zion” whose haughty manners were displayed in their love of extravagant and ostentatious attire (Isa. 3:16ff). Christian women know that it is in the “hidden person of the heart” wherein true beauty is to be found, not in the “outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel”  (I Pet. 3:3f).  Extreme views of these instructions have insisted that it is wrong for women to give attention to hair styles, or to wear any jewelry, or to dress in pleasing styles.  The point missed is not whether women may seek to be pleasing in their appearance, but whether the desire to look becoming is balanced with modesty (I Tim. 2:9f).  From the verbal picture of the woman of the text we may infer that she gave attention to her appearance, being willing and able to have apparel of quality and elegance, in that “her clothing is silk and purple”(v. 22).  Being unkempt is not a virtue; slovenliness is not a recommendation.  It is good for a woman to so groom and dress herself as to be admired by her family and respected by others.  The greater emphasis, however, is on her adornment with good works.  “Strength and honor are her clothing” (v. 25).  It is not her physical appearance–and certainly not extravagance or indecency–that is praised in the gates, but her good works (v. 31).  Someone said, “If honor be your clothing, the suit will last a lifetime, but if clothing be your honor, it will soon be worn threadbare.”  The negative picture comes from Proverbs 11:22.  “As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.”

Home and Career

As modern families determine the need for additional income, and as society encourages women to be employed, troublesome questions arise regarding wives and mothers having jobs or careers.  Their division of the family responsibilities includes the duty to “guide the house,” (i.e., household managers) (I Tim. 5:14). Further, they are instructed to be “keepers at home,” (i.e., homemakers) (Titus 2:5).  Doubtless many are guilty of putting careers ahead of their families, and many others fear they are guilty, though they feel unable do otherwise.

The lady in Proverbs is a dedicated and untiring homemaker.  There is no indolence or neglect.  “She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens” (v. 15).  “She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” (v. 27).  The point is repeated in several ways.  She works “willingly with her hands” (v. 13).  She brings “her food from afar” (v. 14).  “Her candle goeth not out by night” (v. 18).  “She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff” (v. 19).  Whether we might call it a “career” or not, she also assists with the family income in the pursuit of opportunities in business.  “She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard” (v. 16).  “She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant” (v. 24).  One of the things that made her value “far above rubies” is that she was able to keep the right balance between these pursuits and her primary duties at home. Her family did not serve her career; her career served her family.

Submission and Supervision

The divine arrangement is for the husband to be the head of the wife (Eph. 5:23ff).  This does not mean that he is to micro-manage every detail, leaving the wife with no choices or initiative.  The administration of the household is her domain.  She has authority to “guide the house” (I Tim. 5:14). The woman in the text is an able administrator, but she operates the household so that, “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil” (v. 11).  Her conduct promotes the honor due him because, “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land” (v. 23).  But this willingness to take a secondary place and to be a submissive wife does not mean that she lacks self-esteem nor that she is either incapable or afraid to take charge within her own sphere.  Peter wrote that “in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God . . .  being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement [terror]” (I Pet. 3:5f).  The text describes such a “daughter” of Sarah, willing to let her husband be “lord,” but nonetheless being her own person.  “Let her own works praise her in the gates” (v. 31).

Independence and Trustworthiness

One extreme has a wife unable to make any independent decisions.  We have heard of sad marriages in which the husband wanted control of every dollar and every hour.  Some women have come to widowhood with no experience in managing finances, unprepared to handle responsibilities.  Being in submission does not preclude participation and partnership.  Women who feel, or are made to feel, that they have no part in decisions are less than helps meet for their husbands; they are merely appendages.  The other extreme has a wife who operates contrary to her husband’s interests.  Such may spend unwisely and hide it from him; or make embarrassing social decisions; or scoff at his headship of the family.  One cannot read the description of the worthy woman without appreciating her independence.  Being “the weaker vessel” (I Pet. 3:7) does not mean that in intelligence and enterprise she is incapable.  There is no mental or moral frailty.  “Strength and honor are her clothing” (v. 25).  She has no doubts about our own personhood.  Her profile begins, however, with assurance of her trustworthiness.  Her self-assurance and ingenuity will be used only for good.  Nothing will be squandered.  There will be no embarrassment.  “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life” (vv. 11f).

Mother and Wife

The late Ira North used to make the point that the first thing a mother owes her children is to love their father.  It is expected that a woman love both her husband and her children.  There are mothers who justify neglecting their husbands using their children’s needs as excuses.  It also sometimes happens that children are neglected out of desire to please the husband.  Women know there can be pressures in both directions.  The woman in our study avoided this dichotomy.  “Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her” (v. 28).  In what has been called “the hyperbolical language natural to love” this husband declares her to be the best wife a man could possibly find. “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all” (v. 29, NRSV).  None could be better than my own bride of forty-six years, and my own mother will be called “blessed” for as long as I live!

Her Own and Others

Here also is a balance between caring for her own family and her charity toward others.  “She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy” (v. 20).  None can be faulted for giving priority to necessities at home.  Paul forcefully cautioned against failure to provide for one’s own.  “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (I Tim. 5:8).  But putting family first does not excuse neglecting opportunities to help others.  See Galatians 6:10. Often women are the more effective in benevolent work.  Basic human necessities, such as food, clothing, nursing the sick, hospitality, child care, etc. typically need the expertise of women (cf. I Tim. 5:10).  Today’s women may find opportunities in community charitable programs, such as volunteering in hospitals, being mentors for the fatherless, or in programs for the elderly. In addition to benevolence directly connected with the church, some Christian women serve on boards for philanthropic institutions.  No wife and mother should become obsessed with such good works that she forgets that “charity begins at home.”  Neither should she be satisfied to care only for her own.  Again, success and virtue require priorities and balance.

Wisdom and Kindness

Jokes are made about women talking.  Whether they are more talkative than men may be debated, but it is the case that what people say can either be helpful or hurtful. All are challenged in the control of the tongue.  See James 3:1ff.  That “She openeth her mouth with wisdom” (v. 26) suggests both discretion as to when to speak and prudent thought in what is said.  In advice and even criticism there is no harshness because “in her tongue is the law of kindness” (v. 26). “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:6).  Her own capabilities and energy might tempt one to be less patient with others.  Neither should tenderheartedness permit condescension when wisdom calls for frankness.  Success had not made her arrogant; tenderness had not made her foolish.  One can be astute and right, yet lack compassion and courtesy.  On the other hand, kindness is no excuse for false flattery or compromise.

Religion and Life

We might think that a description of an ideal woman would have much to say about her spiritual life: how much she prays, reads the Scriptures, teaches others, and is faithful in worship.  It happens, though that every verse but one pertains to needs and enjoyments of the flesh. It should be remembered that the purpose of the text was not to define the requirements of religion, but to extol the value of a devoted wife and mother. Yet the one line that refers to her religion is the foundation for all the rest.  She is “a woman that feareth the Lord” (v. 30).  This is the “fear” of reverence, and reverence leads one to shun sin and to live according to the will of God.  It is not necessary for it to be detailed for us to recognize that all her virtues are rooted in her reverence for God.

The reality is that our days are filled with the day-to-day necessities of the present world.  Being spiritually minded does not mean neglecting the needs and pleasures of life.  It is when “cares and riches and pleasures” smother spirituality that souls are lost.  See Luke 8:14.  This housewife faced each day with numerous obligations.  For some this might be burdens and drudgery.  Some face domestic duties with feelings of enslavement.  What is different in the model before us?  Her life was rooted in the fear of God and enhanced with unselfish love for her family.  The advice Paul gave to those who were literally slaves will help women (and men) who feel entrapped by circumstances and oppressed by duties.  Serving should be “in singleness of heart, fearing God: And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ” (Col. 3:22ff).

Conclusion

If the text is advice from King Lemuel’s mother, it may be that she was defining the kind of wife she wanted him to seek.  As such it will serve well to guide any man who considers marriage.  It will doubtless better serve any woman who wants to be a proper wife and mother. So,

Let young men look deeper than a fair face.  Let young women seek for that beauty which does not fade.  The fear of the Lord lies at the bottom of all goodness that will last through the tear and wear of wedded life, and of all domestic diligence which is not mere sordid selfishness or slavish toil.  The narrow arena of domestic life affords a fit theater for the exercise of the highest gifts and graces; and the woman who has made a home bright, and has won and kept a husband’s love and children’s reverence . . .  has chosen the better part, which shall not be taken from her.

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Carolina Messenger
Spiritual Sword